Broken

Physically...

I'm taken...

My name is no longer singular but plural..

Plural in the sense of I am half of someone else in the regards of marriage...

Emotionally...

I'm broken...

My feelings no longer receptive to giving love...

Because love hasn't been given...

Mentally...

I'm driven...

Driven to pull myself out of the hold of resentment and regret...

Resenting the fact that I gave my all despite the signs that they didn't.....

Regretting I allowed myself to be lost...

Shattered...

Broken...

Pieces of me holding on by mere threads screaming for help...

And I...

I'm not even strong enough to put them back together...

Who am I?

My shell displays happiness...

Confidence...

Beauty...

It lights the room in a dark place...

Each layer of me is pronounced and bold...

I elude peace...

Even on bad days...

It appears...

But take away that shell....

Go beyond those layers....

And look into my soul...

It tells the true reflection of who or what I really am...

Broken.

(Dedicated to all the married women who live a facade everyday. The women who yearn for unconditional love because they don't have it at home. The women who are truly beautiful but don't feel it. You are not alone.)

Being stubborn is not always bad...

Some things are worth standing up for and protecting. Your priorities, morals, and obedience to God should be guarded like the king piece on the chess board of life. But too often we debate over piddling things, like were to change the oil in the car or the choice of restaurants. It's so unfortunate stubbornness comes as a standard feature with in most relationships. But this blog issue.... I bring to the woman that wants to wed .. The ones that pray for a husband, but have little clue of a man's role in the relationship.

The relationship between a husband and a wife is meant to be one of respect, love and support. They are to help each other. A suitable helper with natural, physical, and emotional differences. Usually where one is weak, the other is strong. But, here lies the problem.... some women have a little doubt in God that are approaching the verge of chaos in the present day.

There are many contributing causes... but one I'm convinced most, for whatever reason, disrupt most relationships. I found root understanding in this verse... "like wise you husband, live considerately with your wives, bestowing honor on the woman as the weaker sex, since you are joint heirs of the grace of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered "~ Peter.

In this very brief verse, the finger squarely emphasizes on the man's responsibility prime role is that of intelligent leadership. God puts the responsibility of the man to exercise leadership within the home. This doesn't mean he's your daddy or your boss, but if you don't even respect him enough to allow him to influence you as a woman with the simple things like were to get oil changed in your car. Smh, how in hell will you ever choose to love him unconditionally. lol

You see.. If you can't respect a man's heart without monetary value, you won't ... truly ever love him ... as God have designed that very woman to be that suitable to helper. I want all lady's to know a Godfearing man won't ever ... yield his leadership, (thinking) that would fog the clear vision why he even fail in love with you... in the first place. He's not your daddy, but he should be able to influence his household ....and if not, he will soon ... distant you.

Let him love you as Jesus, so loved the church. Caring for the woman's well-being, and protecting her both physically and spiritually.

….. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.( Ephesians 5:22-24 ) As a married woman for the second time, I found new meaning in this scripture. Being raised in a two parent household for 23 years; only to spend my remaining time home under the direction of a single parent…. It made me question “how”… How can someone exist for 23 years with their spouse, supporting and submitting to them, and end up with literally nothing? After all, the Bible says submit….not be stupid….

So…I began my journey in life as a young adult…on a mission to never be that “broken woman.” I was independent, humble and no nonsense. Eventually, the day came that I became “a wife.” I took my vows seriously…or so I thought… I supported my husband in all his endeavors, I boosted his ego, I took care of home…the kids…placing everyone before myself….”I” ran the household. And I let him know it. Needless to say, that marriage ended…..and guess what, I still ended up with literally nothing! Really?! I asked aloud, “Lord…why? I did everything….why?” As I waited for His answer…I began to study my Bible more….started to really receive the Word He was giving me. Amongst the things I learned about myself…was the answer…There is no “me” in marriage….I was to become one with my spouse….and HE was to be Head of the Household…

….I swallowed my humble pie….made the changes I needed to make…and got married again. It started rocky…things were…(to me) far more difficult than the first. He did things “I” didn’t approve of…he said things “I” didn’t like…and he moved the household in the direction “I” didn’t wanna go. You already know, I fought him on it….lol But God stepped in and reminded me “order”…..reminded me that he was only doing as the Bible instructed. As hard as it was…I submitted to my husband….We prayed together…we communicated…and we overcame obstacles that only GOD could fix. I was often told that I was becoming weak…that I shouldn’t have to go to my husband for simple decisions….and as quickly as the words were spoken, they were shut down…

I said all that to say…women submit to your husband. Love him, support him, pray with him and for him….Do what aligns with the Word of God. You may not always understand…but trust that what God allows is always perfect!

How to Handle the Baby Mama: Part I: Me's Side

So...we've decided to break this up into sides. Mista's Side (the male view) and Me's Side (the female's view)... It's funny how men and women's views can be so alike but so different....lol  Here it goes....

The term "baby Mama" has been a bad word for as long as I can remember.  You immediately think crazy, deranged "bitch".....an

d in some cases...kmsl....that's putting it mildly.  It's unfortunate when parents can't work together for the good of the child...not only for the child but because it's the right thing to do. Not all parents work...and when they don't, they have to communicate bc eventually....ONE or BOTH of them will move on...A sad but true reality...

lol I am a "baby Mama" (twice)....and speaking as one, I have to set the record straight. "Not all of us are psycho....and not all of us want your man....we already had them... remember?" Ok. Moving along. There are three types of Baby Mamas: "Drama Mama", "Business Mama", and "Stupid Mama." Allow me to take a second and explain the dynamics on how to handle each...

Drama Mama- this is the one who is indeed crazy and deranged.  She got this way either bc she got played, got pregnant thinking she would keep him, or bc she wants him back. She uses the child as a weapon to hurt the Dad as well as a money maker.  Drama Mama feels like the world owes her and she is the victim.  How to handle her: 1) Deal with her as less as possible. Communication is not really required between the two of u until the other parent deems it necessary. 2) DO NOT think she's ur friend..chances are, she's using u to get information about him or u to be used for her own stupid reasons. 3) DO NOT underestimate her. She may be ghetto...but she's also sneaky and conniving. 4) DO NOT argue or talk bad in front of the child. That is STILL their mother. Nothing changes that. 5) If she puts her hands on u....KICK HER ASS (or if ur not a fighter- press charges) If she knows ur not intimidated, she's less likely to try u.

Business Mama- this is the one who is over ur man.  She communicates the child's progress and their happiness is what matters most.  She will call only when needed and chances are, she'll wanna meet u. How to handle her: 1) Be respectful.  She'll respect u as long as you respect her.  2) Communicate. Once she sees u have a genuine interest in the child, she will be more comfortable around you. 3) Know ur place. Yes, this is ur step or potential stepchild, but do not take the lead on decisions. If they allow you in on the decision...

4) Be honest. Honesty will go a long way with her.

Stupid Mama- this is the one who's confused. One minute she loves him, the next she wants nothing to do with him.  One minute she wants the child, the next she wants him to have them. She never has a steady boyfriend so she's always on an emotional rollercoaster.  How to handle her: 1) Be Consistent. Whatever you start...finish. Let her know that u will not change 2) Be supportive of the child. If the Mom is moody, so will the child.  3) Have some patience. Eventually most Stupid Mamas will become Business Mamas.

As with all cases...be supportive to ur mate. Trust his decisions. Communicate ur concerns and work with him as ONE. Being jealous or controlling will only make u miserable..and that's not a healthy relationship. Ur not a referee...ur the mate. Trust me...I've been there...I still am.

Lust...Love...and Being in Love: Part III of the Series on Love

I reach…deep into his soul…invading the darkness…replacing it with light.  I see…the bars surrounding his heart…the veins shackled down…struggling to break free. I look…for the key…for some form of release…of the pain he must feel…and…I cannot imagine him bearing it all alone. He is…my personal rubix cube…teasing and testing my brain beyond his limits…. Because…I want to…defeat him…defeat the battle within him…I want him to know that…He is…perfect in every way. I want US to…accept together…that WE don’t walk in anyone else’s shadows…He is the bone and I am the flesh….so we only exist as ONE.

That poem is a true depiction of how being in love really feels… being in love has no boundaries. You will go to the ends of the Earth only to return and go again. YOUR person will never fall because you are there to catch them. They are your world. That’s how you know when you are IN LOVE.

Is there a difference between, LOVE and being IN LOVE? Absolutely. Love…you are capable of walking away… In Love…no matter what that person says or does, u will never leave. You can love someone and hurt them…but truly being in love with someone, you will hurt before they do….and that’s truth.

…..it’s a process. The first time you lay eyes on someone….u LUST for them. You want them in ur space. You want to explore every inch of their body…you want to fulfill their EVERY SEXUAL need…  Then, as time progresses and you begin to spend time with them, …..you begin to LOVE. U appreciate not only their body but their mind.  U want to learn more about them as a person…..still…at any point and time, u can walk away.  This is where most relationships end. And finally, you fall IN LOVE. You love everything about them…mind, body and soul.  They make you feel complete. You cannot imagine life without them.  THIS feeling, is a feeling u will never forget. Even when one of you leaves this Earth…this love will never fail.

I hope you enjoyed our series on Love.  We try to bring u topics and present them to u where we talk TO YOU, not AT YOU. And…as long as you keep reading…we’ll keep bringing it.



IN LOVE.. hmph!! What we read, hear, and watch seems to fall so short of what true love really is. As a young baby, I enter the world with much love bestowed on me by my parents and grandparents. Although they made such a fuss over us as babies and gave us so much attention, somewhere along the way we seemed to lose grasp of the concept of committing to love no matter what.

Through the years we've gone from a decision to love to a feeling of love. Think of it like a child is born... and even though the child has only been in this world for a moment.... the love is unconditional from the moment the mother and child lay eyes on each other... would you agree. But yet we have lost our focus with confusing signals regarding love.... we fall in and out of love..... we can give it a trial run... smh no wonder we're confused when we get real serious about true love.

Mista's cry is that love is much more than a warm puppy. It is an unselfish decision to love and honor your commitment to another person and to God... IN .. is Action.. So get to work, because in love isn't something you fall in, but something you do on purpose daily..

You Need To Know Who You Are

Most find it easy to list what they want in a mate!! However, what about your own qualities? What traits do you have that will help you contribute to a successful relationship? What type of husband or wife will you be? Do you freely admit your mistakes and accept advice, or are you always defensive when corrected? Are you generally cheerful and optimistic, or do you tend to be gloomy, frequently complaining? Marriage will not change your personality. If you are proud, oversensitive, or overly pessimistic when single, you will be the same when married.

To marry without a strong sense of self worth and personal identity means that you will spend your life trying to become somebody, usually by attaching yourself to your spouse's identity. If your spouse also has an identity problem, then you have double trouble. You need to know who you are and be secure and complete and whole within yourself before you get married. If you know who you are .. if you have a good self-image.. you won't need anyone in order to be someone. Then you will have prepared well for the fourth love from the original language of the christian Greek scriptures, the word for this fourth kind of love is AGAPE; an unselfish concern for doing to others what is right and good from HIS standpoint, whether the recipient appears to deserve it or not..

Sometimes it’s just the little slights and daily agitation thoughts of ignoring that need forgiveness, the occasional sharp word or angry accusation. But we harbor it, let it eat at us, and build up bitterness and resentment which erodes our relationship. There is no way to avoid it. But every time they do, we must first remind ourselves that we really did forgive, then rehearse how much God has forgiven us, then ask Him to take the destructive, unforgiving thoughts out of our minds. A strong relationship will be strong enough to survive just about any challenge even distance. So if you discover your relationship can't survive a period of living far apart, don't feel too bad. As much as it may hurt to admit it, it's probably better to move on. Remember that your wedding lasts just one day but your marriage lasts a lifetime..

Well Mista...my few cents on this issue is this:

If you are true to SELF and you present urself that way, it is the option of the person interested to ACCEPT or REJECT you. Marriage or commitment is secondary bc how can you make anyone else happy if you aren't happy with urself?

So many people get caught up with changing bc they want to view themselves through the eyes of "relationship status" and not through the "real view" which is SELF. If you do that at the beginning, there's really no need to change or attach urself to anyone else.

YOUR perfect mate accepts you....flaws and all. They know WHO you are and WHOSE you are...and respects you in all those aspects. PERIOD.

Time Vs. Relationships: Is there a Balance?

How much time should a couple be spending together while dating?

Your relationships should always benefit and enhance your life. If you're doing worse in school because you stay up all night talking on the phone, your relationship may be out of balance. If you're consistently late to work because you want to spend every last second with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you may need to step back and reevaluate how much time you spend together.

You may want to curb how much time you spend on the phone, which could be tough when you first meet. Extended calls can eat up massive amounts of your time. Make sure your calls are balanced with the rest of your life. In addition, don't let a relationship cause you to miss out on other important opportunities or activities, don't miss out on the other relationship in your life. If your family and friends suddenly become nonentities in your daily life, you're missing out on some valuable companionship.

Balance all the aspects of your life.... because a boyfriend or girlfriend can't be everything for you. The key to the balance... is that all your relationships should always benefit and enhance your life... if you balance the time you spend on your relationship with the time you spend on other things, you'll fine yourself even keeled. Then if it happen to not workout, you won't have compromised your other relationships or goals.

Mista's 13 secret: You'll also place greater value on your time together if you don't have as much of it. You'll look forward to each moment you get to spend with each other instead of taking it for granted... if you don't believe me ask, RO.... our friendship struggled in this area in the beginning....

Being a single mother, my time is very limited.  Working a full-time job, (that I commute 45 minutes to everyday) taking care of home, and raising two girls doesn't give me much wiggle room when it comes to time.  It seems that almost every second of my day is consumed.  No matter how I try to "reorganize" my schedule, there is NEVER enough time in the day. First one up, last one to sleep....lol...I need a clone...and chances are, my clone will need one too.  :) ...okay...I digress.

I haven't dated much since I've been single. Mostly because I don't really have the time to invest into making a relationship work. I don't believe in bringing new "potentials" around my girls bc if it doesn't work, I don't wanna have to explain why he's no longer around. Sounds crazy...but I feel like it's necessary.  (we blogged about that in MEET the KIDS)

To create to balance, u first have to have communication. So....in order for ur mate or potential mate to determine if he/she can handle how much time ur able to give, they have to know what's going on in ur life!!! Plain and simple.

Most my relationships are based on texting. Texting is not only my preferred form of communication, it's the most convenient. Im not saying I don't like to talk....bc I do...it's just that texting comes in handy when Im doing a thousand things with a thousand people....and it lets the other person know that YES Im hearing u and you are important too. Those that can relate---well...those that WANT to relate-- they stick around...others, they bounce...(Kanye shrug)...it is what it is. Do I make time for visits? Yes... Do I make time for phone calls? Yes... But it's not something that always happens.  Im a MOTHER first, so, my girls take priority....I know some of you won't agree...and that's cool....Im just saying what applies to ME.

Mista understands...kmsl...and could probably tell you some stories...touch and go phone calls, threatening the kids in the middle of a phone conversation, calling right back turning into calling days later...lol Still, he understands.  If you have the time to invest into ur mate/friendship, by all means.....DO IT.  I would love to have the balance of work, home, kids and the mate...it just doesn't work for me.

My recommendation is this: Strategize (know ur priorities and give them all order) Communicate (keep ur person in the loop) and Finalize ( u know what needs to be done, uve communicated it to ur person, and now u work towards BALANCE...) Remember: There's only ONE you. 

Platonic relationships...do they really exist?

When most people talk about "platonic relationships," they are referring to "an intimate companionship...characterized by the absence of sexual involvement." A close friendship between a man and a woman." Some people do not believe that men and women can truly have platonic relationships. Mista thinks differently..... thinking that the misconception here is that there will always be romantic tension between the friends or that one friend will want a physical relationship.

Smh ..... now, platonic relationships can be confusing at times.... when boundaries are crossed and they can be misunderstood by others <thinking the key word is "boundaries">>.... but romantic confusion can be avoided as long as both friends communicate.... honestly.

Having a platonic friend after divorce has benefited me and other relationships in my life. Such a friend offers a different perspective on careers, family and dating relationships. Getting the male or female perspective can help you see life in a new way. Some may think you would be crazy to be in one via facebook. But I would tell that experience different than crazy with RO... A platonic relationship is also beneficial in that a friend of the opposite sex will share interests that friends of the same sex may not. It might also be easier for a man to share his feelings with a platonic female friend than a male friend.

But I will share that....... there are two common risks in a platonic relationship. First, it is possible that one friend could develop romantic feelings toward his platonic friend. In this case, it is important that both friends are honest with one another to avoid future discomfort. The second risk is that a romantic partner will be jealous of the platonic friendship. The romantic partner may not understand the nature of the platonic friendship and the jealousy could ruin the romantic relationship.

Mista's 13 cents: Don't be afraid of "Platonic love" it is a chaste and strong type of love that is non-sexual. The most correct use of love of other human beings is to direct one's mind to love of divinity. In short, with genuine platonic love, the beautiful or lovely other person inspires the mind and the soul and directs one's attention to spiritual things.

Hmph!! Keeping a friendship platonic can be tough. I've shared some common risk.... So I'm sure... RO will share her opinion on .... some tips to maintain a platonic friendship...

(clearing my throat....ok...)

Ro has a platonic best friend of over 20 years. He is the craziest, most straight forward friend a girl could have. He's seen me at my worst AND at my best...and his love has NEVER wavered. Why? Because we are ourselves and no one else. 


Im not gonna sit here and say we've never thought of crossing the line.  That would be a lie. At the beginning of our friendship we considered a "relationship"....but, after a few days of trying, decided we would be better as "just friends" lol... and....we've never crossed that line again. We made a conscious decision to always be honest, (good, bad or other) and to always, always, communicate. Do we always see things the same? Hell no!! kmsl ...We voice our opinions...cuss, fuss, discuss...then get mad and/or get over it.

People question our relationship all the time. smh....They swear he's getting the cookies and we have a secret love affair...but the bottom line is....we love and respect each other as friends...nothing more.  (Sidenote: Mista and I share that same love...just on a different level....but that's ANOTHER blog) 


What Mista failed to mention in his spill was....most people use the term "platonic" love/friendship as a false pretense to hopefully a "blooming relationship".... In simpler terms...they say they just wanna be friends knowing darn well they wanna cut (hit it, get some...whatever u wanna call it). They think that once they get in, they have the perfect opportunity for a relationship. Sometimes...it works...other times, it backfires.

So....Say what you mean and mean what you say. 

Platonic love/friendship can be refreshing and resourceful when it's exercised as it's meant to be.  I know that bc I have platonic relationships....(Chico, Mista...) They keep me Acting Like a Lady and Thinking Like a Man.....they keep me honest...they call me out when Im wrong...but most importantly, they respect our friendship.

It doesn't have to be confusing...people make it that way. As long as you are true to urself AND ur friendship, it'll be drama free.

I don't know how Mista comes up with his number of cents so I can't give a number....I'll just say, that's Ro's couple of bits!!! :)

Innocent and Nonpretentious

She delights in the little things without studying to be sophisticated and controlled. She's simply who she is with no apologies. Refreshingly honest and transparent. She hasn't learned the art of masking her feelings yet, lol or may be she's not good at it, so no guessing games are played. She's not ashamed of her tears and can giggle with amusement at the silliest things. She's unreserved with her affections.

Forgiving. Believing all things. Forever hopeful. Playful. She feels so rich with the simplest pleasures. Easily pleased. Uncomplicated. Amusing, enchanting, magical, experimental, curious.... open to the endless possibilities of life. She dares to dream lofty dreams, never quenching them. And when she gives herself to a hug, she revels in it. And to think .... this was from meeting her once.

A woman should keep a healthy portion of these attributes in her life and allow them to flavor the essence of who she is. Why? Because inside every Mista ... there's a KING and a Kid in every man.... who still likes to play. To tease, to poke, to be mischievous, all while sharing ice cream. Who still enjoys a good wrestling match, whether physical or mental in a blog.... BOY meets Girl... that's where the greatest romances have always begun.

Thinking what.... ME of the blog thinks, RO's opinion "where romance starts"?....

Ro is a hopeless romantic. I believe romance starts with the heart and ends in the soul.  Romance is spontaneous and fun...it's NOT work.(except in the sheets...kmsl...and even then it's not really work but a pleasure)....Romance requires no thought bc if it's real, the thought process flows as smooth as a rub on a man's freshly shaved head...

Such a rush I get from being romanced....from being romantic...it's easy to get caught up in the moment...and not just a moment of pure ecstasy...but the adrenaline I feel knowing that I have TOTAL control of that person's mind.

Romance does not "just happen." And...It's not just physical...It can be mental. As your mate he or she should be respectful....respectful to your mind (allowing you to voice ur thoughts and opinions)...respectful to your body (even though they have made claims it is theirs, there is a time where it is YOURS and yours alone)...and respectful to your person (he believes in you...supports you...communicates with you..worships with you and loves you AS IS).

Once these things come into play...Romance A.P.P.E.A.R.S. (A Prayer of a Person Especially After Resentment Subsides) and remains....the simple things become delights bc even the thought of that person you begin to feel things you never felt before.

....so yea...that's Ro's opinion of Romance...

Thought vs. Doubt in Relationships

It's funny how we overthink things...people, relationships, situations... All in an attempt to try and find the rationale for the saying "everything happens for a reason". And while everything does happen for a reason, do we really need to know what that reason is? Why can't we patiently await the outcome instead of "fixing it" ourselves?

I've come to realize that relationships are no accident. No matter how horrible or foul or degrading the relationship ended, it happened for a reason. I believe relationships or lack of....controls ur destiny. Whatever it is you did or said affected the next decision in ur life.....yeah, u can pick the domino up and play again, but the end result will NEVER be the same.

For a person like me that is always thinking...you can just imagine how my life is. lol I'm constantly fixing things that doesn't need fixing (but in my head it does)...and the things that need to be fixed...well I've thought about it so much until I can't figure out why it needed to be fixed in the first place. In the end, I become an emotional bag of nerves....break down and cry...dump the damaged nerves...and well wait for the next bag to fill. The more I repeat, the less nerves I damage, the less I overthink....bc finally I understand, What God allows is perfect.

I said all this to say, you are in control of your life..ur relationship...Everything starts and ends with you. Ur mate's attitude should mirror that as well. Stop allowing people to plant seeds of doubt... There's nothing with playing devil's advocate...but essentially you make the final decision. Stop blaming other people for your life's status- ur failed relationship. Like Tyrese says, "The sooner you clean out the bs, the clearer life will become."

...take us home Mista.


The Pervasive Influence of the Past

RoW.....uh!! you got this "thinking" thing running...... Okay let's see ...... Mista's Thoughts vs Doubt in Relationships is that much of what makes up today and even tomorrow seems to be an extension or variation of what has come before. What we see as possible .....what we are working toward...... is essentially a more, better or different version of the past. Often, we allow our fears and anxieties to stop us.... to determine how much we'll risk, and limit the range of..... What God allows is perfect.

If you fill your mind with fear, doubt, and unbelief in your ability to connect within your relationship. The forces of infinite intelligence will take this spirit of unbelief and use it as a pattern by which your subconscious mind will translate it into its physical equivalent. If you think he's to good to be true, he won't .... If you think she can't be this honest, she won't..... If you think you'll lose, you're lost .... For out of the world we find, relationship success begins with a couple's will... it's all in the state of mind.

When we see that our relationship to our anxieties and fears inadvertently gives us a life of our own, from naysayer, haters and the past........ something else becomes possible. We find ourselves being powerful in the face of what has stopped us before, and free to rediscover and pursue our passions in life. What I am convinced of is this....... God's Will is that you become the person He desires.... so often we seem to think of God's Will as leading to a certain place or person. His will leads us to be a certain person, the son or daughter He wants to spend eternity with. We simply need to proceed in a dating relationship until it's obvious that you've hit a dead end. That's what happens when God's Will become clear as time progress. At this point, whoever you choose to be with will be God's Will. 

Being given this technology for putting the past where it belongs..... in the past. We now can begin to design our lives as a free and authentic expression..... from what is possible, rather than what has been. Unencumbered by the past, we experience a greater level of vitality, well-being and fun, and are able to enjoy a new-found sense of connection and intimacy for true Oneness in our relationship.

The nature of choice is to be the author of our own lives in any and all relationships.....OWN YOUR CHOICE.

thats Mista's 13 cents.

Dating after Divorce

Today's blog is totally spontaneous, as most my bloggings are. Mista often laughs at the fact that I can sit and just write with little or no effort :) I think of it as a talent that I don't let go to waste....we oftentimes have talents that remain hidden....not knowing how it could change the lives of others...but, that's another blog :) Anywho...I was sitting here thinking of where I am (mentally) today vs. where I was almost a year ago. For those of you that have been through a divorce, you probably know what Im talking about. If you don't or u haven't been married before....baby let me tell u, it's not fun and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Divorce is both a blessing and a curse....a blessing because God allowed u to make it through it all AND is granting you a "do over." Not many people get second chances to make it right. A curse bc all the things u experienced during the marriage becomes a seed of doubt. You question everything- both right and wrong. The last thing you want is to make the same mistake AGAIN.

But eventually, you give in to being lonely and here comes dating.

Dating is NOT what it used to be! I say that emphatically.... Most men have downgraded from the "gentleman level" to "almost nice." No more opening the door...offering to pay for ur date...no more NOT expecting sex on the first date. Instead u get, an automatic unlock....maybe a paid meal, but u got the movie...and "can a brother make love to u or at least get some head???" kmsl Wow! Notice I did say most men... There are some that are still gentlemen....and sadly, they either are married or on another planet.

Well...lets just pretend u found a gentleman...how do u proceed? At what point do u start to trust again? For me, trust is earned. You start at ZERO and work urself up. Honesty goes hand and hand with trust. If ur honest, 9 times out of 10, ur trustworthy. You should NEVER jump right in to the next relationship. Just like u have issues, they do too...u wanna learn if their issues are something u can truly handle before u call urself making a commitment again. Take ur time. This is ur last do over. (hopefully)

And finally, have fun. Dating doesn't always have to lead to a relationship. It could also lead to a great friendship. Friendships sometimes last longer than relationships....besides, you should always be friends first. Communication is a key factor in both relationships and friendships.

So...there's my spill. Im not sure how or if Mista will respond...or what his thoughts are on dating after a divorce. Guess we'll see.

{Paging Mista}



Mista is from a different planet....

Chivalry didn't die.. I love opening the door for a lady and I insist on paying on our dinner dates. A man that has any intentions of being a good mate to you does not pressure you for sex when he meets you. You are not a car; if you meet a man who wants to test drive your physical body, emotions and feelings, point him to a car dealership, bid him adios and don’t look back! lol....

In Genesis, did God say, "It is not good that the man should be alone...", but most confused singleness with being alone. Will there ever be a time, and has there ever been a time, you will cease to be separate, unique, and whole? If your answer is no, then the next question is: Does being in a relationship do away with this definition of being single? Being a single individual we should never stop..... being unique and whole. Until you are a separate, single, unique, and whole person you actually are not ready to be in a relationship!! (Never lose your Identity)

Relational issue arise most because a man or woman( or both) have not seen themselves as unique, worthy individuals, ie they have a bad self image, or they are schizophrenic in some way an not whole, or they are not separate but always depend on some other person to make them happy. What I am saying is that until you are truly single, relationships will be a difficult, and perhaps negative, experience. I think relationships gets better only when we become more single. 50/50 is no longer good enough we must be a whole person 100%.


Regaining Custody of Yourself first is the key after any divorce or break up. Custody of oneself does not mean declaring independence from the human race or establishing a policy of isolation in your own little world. It does not mean to become so self-centered that you declare love bankruptcy and close your trust company. Regaining custody of yourself means that you take responsibility for restoring your life according to God's principles and submit to His healing process. It means to take your roots out of other people and yet develop the freedom to share your fruit with them. It's when we put our trust in people like they are not going to hurt us.....smh we're human, think about it .............. yes we are going to lie, say ugly things to each other, make mistakes and yes hurt each other along with a host of other relational issues ... what did you expect, we're human.

But it's when we learn to allow God to love our chosen mate through us......... is when trust truly comes to love by choice and decisions. Understand that all feelings and emotions fluctuate. Even the strongest feelings of romantic love will wax and wane. At times, even the most ardent lovers can feel diminished love for each other. But within an upward fluctuating pattern, romantic love can constantly renew and build to higher levels.

Life After Divorce for me.... Regaining custody of myself and lessons learned to listen to the Exclusive Heart of the Woman......... She's careful who she choose as her mate..... so many questions she need to know and ask.... she needs it to be more than a feel good movement. She'll want me to hang around the family, to know how I will repond or will NOT respond to CONFLICT. She'll Make sure, she have things in COMMON with me, because she knows for when trouble rises that will only instigate division if she do not....she'll seek to know my values, evaluate how my past has affected me and to know how it will affect our RELATIONSHIP. Most of all IF IT DON'T WORK, She won't FORCE IT. She'll Get out before an EMOTIONAL attachment enables her to SETTLE, ACCEPT or deal with things she know are out of God's ORDER.. If I don't notice these thoughts within her than I know she's not like the Audience of One ROw..

KISSES ARE MORE THAN KISSES

So.. RoW and I have been debating No... Yes... No... Yes...NO..no!!! and Mista seems to be losing to the No's.... Kisses are more than kisses. They are exchanges of not only breath, but emotion. This is the place of giving yourself, where a lady's inner woman is revealed. All warmth, all the passion she possess is exposed with one kiss. Kisses are important to a man because they whisper promises to him of what your love will be like. But that's not the debate.... the debate is when Mista gets to......

Your lips have been anointed with grace, since God has blessed you forever ( Psalm 45:2)

Keep it sweet. Make sure your breath is sweet and your lips are soft, subtle, and yielding. Make him feel welcome to know your heart. Lips come in all sizes and shapes..... full, thin, voluptuous, pouty, streamlined.... you name it. And now with the help of cosmetic surgery, we can make them look any way we want. One thing cosmetic surgery won't do is make those lips, no matter what size, appealing to a man if they are subconsciously taut an rigid from churning emotions within.

Funny how we can tell if someone is upset by either looking into their eyes or observing the set of their lips. If they are stiff or turned downward, we know that person is not happy.... They are upset about something. Are your lips soft, inviting pleasant conversation, or do they threaten a rebuke? Do they bid welcome, or are they stiff with pride or suspicion? Perhaps it's time to spit out whatever tastes bitter within and fill yourself with goodness. YES that it!! Though men may fail you and life might disappoint, taste and see that God is good. His promises are enough to fill you with hope and make you look like the woman He meant for you to be.

NOW!! Go ahead, lick your lips.... allow them to be one of your most outstanding features. Kisses are small appetizers, that's it. If he wants the main course, he has to sign up for the full-meal deal... a lifetime commitment. Never allow yourself to settle into a routine. Sweet kisses will serve as a refresher to any dry romance. Passionate kisses will keep the flame alive.

As to RoW's No no's.. is soon to be....

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth... for your love is more delightful than wine" SONG OF SONGS 1:2

KMSL! Did you really take it there Mista? lol

Yes, I said no kisses. A kiss on the cheek should suffice FOR NOW. Funny how you incorporate the Word into ur quest to have ur way. BUT, again....being that I AM ur mirror image, allow me to match ur efforts with mine.

1 John 2:15-17 ESV

"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever."

The lips, I would think, is part of ur flesh. Surrendering my flesh to u--in the Biblical sense, would definitely apply to this scripture.

NOW....speaking on the terms of "no one is perfect...and all of us fall short of God's glory", I can say that my decisions become my decision. Kissing therefore becomes an option, not a requirement.

Different people have different views of timing...how to kiss...where to kiss...or even if it will go beyond kissing (bc u know kissing sometimes leads to other things)... so, yes, I agree that kisses are really more than kisses...they are options...they are signs of commitment...they are intimate parts of the relationship. Both parties should be comfortable with the act and each other....

Have u not heard the saying "I don't know where ur lips have been???" lol....ok...Im kidding...lol... but seriously, have some patience. There's a scripture for that too...and Im sure u know which one it is ;-)

Anyway...to answer ur question, MISTA KNOW IT ALL...Mista will get kisses when RoW's No's become Yes.

....lol...this was simple.